[dopplegangland log]
Dec. 13th, 2011 12:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
handsomesempai posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
thegokaicrew(Notes: This is a log for Sid first waking up on the Galleon post-rescue. By way of warning I should mention that this log includes descriptions of torture - if this is not something you want to read, please give this log a pass.)
Crew: This is open to everyone.
[He's lost track of how long he's been in this room, his arms chained out to his sides, kneeling on the cold metal floor. At first he'd tried to keep time by the steady drip of his own blood onto the floor, but hunger has robbed him of his focus. Are they going to starve him to death? He's hollowed out and shredded, the wounds he'd been given during his last interrogation still raw and stinging, warm blood running in slow trickles down his bare skin. His one comfort during the interrogations had been that he honestly didn't know where Joe had gone, and thus couldn't break and give him up. And that they'd bothered to interrogate and torture him at all meant that they still hadn't found Joe – maybe he'd found a way to get the tracking collar off, and had eluded the Zangyack, escaped to somewhere safe.
They haven't found Joe, he repeats to himself over and over. They haven't found him, he's okay, as long as he's okay…
As long as Joe's okay, it doesn't matter what they do to Sid. He's not going to break. Deserting had been the right thing to do, after they'd discovered what the Galactic Empire of Zangyack is really like – massive-scale despots bent on destroying any world that wouldn't submit to them, slaughtering every last person all the way down to the children – a far cry from the benevolent rulers they'd been presented as in Sid's textbooks back in school. Sid couldn't stay in the service of an empire like that. Deserting had been the right choice and he'll never take it back, no matter what they do to him.
It's strange, though, he thinks as his battered body shivers from exposure, that they haven't done more. No damage to his muscles, no broken bones, no severed extremities. He'd been given a severe lashing – he hates to think what his back must look like – but as much as they 'd made him scream, even those cuts don't feel much deeper than the skin. It had been excruciating, but somehow he'd expected much worse. It didn't make sense, them leaving him so intact.
Unless.
The door of his cell opens, and standing on the other side is Zaien, the top scientist of the Zangyack military. Sid's seen him before – he'd come to the Special Forces medical examinations and made recommendations about strategic physical and mental reconditioning that in the end not one of the human recruits had consented to. Sid's empty stomach twists with horror.
Unless they've been keeping him intact for a reason.
Zaien approaches him, not saying a word, extending long tentacles toward him, and Sid starts to panic because oh god the things he'd tried to get the human recruits to agree to voluntarily had been hideous, and with a deserter slated for execution as a test subject – Sid finds a last reserve of strength and pulls desperately at the chains holding him in place, pulls so hard he feels the skin of his wrists tearing, but the chains hold and he is trapped and helpless as Zaien's tentacles slice into him and slither beneath his skin and he screams at the violation of it, and then he feels his body starting to change. Every inch of him is aflame with pain so deep it feels like it's piercing into his mind. His skin is dissolving, being slowly eaten by metal creeping up the sides of his face, covering his mouth even as he cries out from the horror of it. It reaches over his eyes and everything goes dark but he is still screaming, every nerve exploding with agony. Even as his mind shuts down he is screaming, and he isn't even aware of losing consciousness.
Or of the years that pass before he wakes, still in darkness, still in pain, still screaming in abject terror.]
Crew: This is open to everyone.
[He's lost track of how long he's been in this room, his arms chained out to his sides, kneeling on the cold metal floor. At first he'd tried to keep time by the steady drip of his own blood onto the floor, but hunger has robbed him of his focus. Are they going to starve him to death? He's hollowed out and shredded, the wounds he'd been given during his last interrogation still raw and stinging, warm blood running in slow trickles down his bare skin. His one comfort during the interrogations had been that he honestly didn't know where Joe had gone, and thus couldn't break and give him up. And that they'd bothered to interrogate and torture him at all meant that they still hadn't found Joe – maybe he'd found a way to get the tracking collar off, and had eluded the Zangyack, escaped to somewhere safe.
They haven't found Joe, he repeats to himself over and over. They haven't found him, he's okay, as long as he's okay…
As long as Joe's okay, it doesn't matter what they do to Sid. He's not going to break. Deserting had been the right thing to do, after they'd discovered what the Galactic Empire of Zangyack is really like – massive-scale despots bent on destroying any world that wouldn't submit to them, slaughtering every last person all the way down to the children – a far cry from the benevolent rulers they'd been presented as in Sid's textbooks back in school. Sid couldn't stay in the service of an empire like that. Deserting had been the right choice and he'll never take it back, no matter what they do to him.
It's strange, though, he thinks as his battered body shivers from exposure, that they haven't done more. No damage to his muscles, no broken bones, no severed extremities. He'd been given a severe lashing – he hates to think what his back must look like – but as much as they 'd made him scream, even those cuts don't feel much deeper than the skin. It had been excruciating, but somehow he'd expected much worse. It didn't make sense, them leaving him so intact.
Unless.
The door of his cell opens, and standing on the other side is Zaien, the top scientist of the Zangyack military. Sid's seen him before – he'd come to the Special Forces medical examinations and made recommendations about strategic physical and mental reconditioning that in the end not one of the human recruits had consented to. Sid's empty stomach twists with horror.
Unless they've been keeping him intact for a reason.
Zaien approaches him, not saying a word, extending long tentacles toward him, and Sid starts to panic because oh god the things he'd tried to get the human recruits to agree to voluntarily had been hideous, and with a deserter slated for execution as a test subject – Sid finds a last reserve of strength and pulls desperately at the chains holding him in place, pulls so hard he feels the skin of his wrists tearing, but the chains hold and he is trapped and helpless as Zaien's tentacles slice into him and slither beneath his skin and he screams at the violation of it, and then he feels his body starting to change. Every inch of him is aflame with pain so deep it feels like it's piercing into his mind. His skin is dissolving, being slowly eaten by metal creeping up the sides of his face, covering his mouth even as he cries out from the horror of it. It reaches over his eyes and everything goes dark but he is still screaming, every nerve exploding with agony. Even as his mind shuts down he is screaming, and he isn't even aware of losing consciousness.
Or of the years that pass before he wakes, still in darkness, still in pain, still screaming in abject terror.]
(switching tenses all over the place, oh yeah)
Date: 2011-12-14 09:32 am (UTC)[He's lost track of how long he's been in this room - his bedroom - sat beside the bed at first, and then on the edge of the bed. Then eventually curling up on it to placate his body with a scant hour or so of light napping that is just enough to keep him awake for the following however many hours.
...As many as it takes for Sid-sempai to wake up.
He is going to wake up, Joe's sure of that. At first there was the serum. The plan, the possibility of utter failure.
There was the moment he'd used it and it hadn't seemed to work.
There was the moment he walked away in tears, bloodied and bruised. Even now Joe still wears bandages from that encounter, because he hasn't thought about changing them, taking them off.
But then there was the moment Basco returned to the Galleon, and not alone. And it wasn't the outer shell of Barizorg that he had presented, but human flesh and muscle and bone just as recognisable as if it were yesterday Joe had last seen him.
Sid-sempai.
Joe had almost thrown himself at Sid-sempai, before he'd had the presence of mind to realise he was injured, and stopped just short. There was a moment of horrible, terrible guilt as he wondered just how many of those wounds could have been caused by their duel, if Barizorg's outer armour ever actually kept Sid-sempai safe from harm at all.
He'd had to swallow that curiosity down like a bitter pill, and focus.
The attempt had been honest, anyway. Joe can't remember much. A flurry of voices, people running around behind him.
All he can recall is kneeling down beside Sid-sempai where he lay when they'd gotten him into Joe's bedroom and reaching out to touch hair that had more white in it than he remembered.
That had been the beginning of the vigil. The one that barely changed. The one that could only be marked by the different people who came to the bedroom door to check on him. On the two of them.
"Anything yet?" Joe would be asked. And he'd say nothing. The scene speaks for itself.
Sometimes it's still a miracle that he can see the rise and fall of Sid-sempai's chest in his sleep.
Although it's definitely very real when that sound tears itself from Sid-sempai's throat, echoing through the entire galleon.
Joe bolts upright - it's been so long he's been slumping complacently.
It's probably an instinct in almost everyone to reach out and touch, but not immediately for Joe. He can't even react in the first moment, and then all he can do is try to desperately break through-]
Sid-sempai! Sid-sempai!
(( not sure where to comment to, so I hope this is okay! ))
Date: 2011-12-20 04:43 pm (UTC)She is returning to her room, carrying a few teacups, when she hears the scream. It's a horrible sound, full of anguish and pain. It sends a shock down her spine and Ahim drops the cups, the fragile pieces shattering on the wooden floor, and rushes to Joe's room, opening the door to peek in, just in time to hear Joe call out Sid's name.]
Joe-san? Sid-san?
[Ahim walks in the room, unsure if she is even welcome, but not wanting to leave Joe alone to deal with this. And if Sid is finally awake, then they will both need help, in dealing wounds and bandages and water and trying to stay calm.
She stands just behind Joe, peering down at Sid.]
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Date: 2011-12-21 01:29 am (UTC)all he knows is pain and horror and the sound of his own screams, and he tries again to break free of the manacles and somehow
(Sid-sempai!)
somehow he is able to move his arms, and he swears for a second that he heard –
(Sid-sempai!)
and he is still lost and wracked with panic but that is Joe’s voice.]
Joe?!
[The name breaks out of his throat and he tears himself upright, his body starting to reorient itself even as he is still aching and confused – where is Joe, why can’t Sid see him, he couldn’t have imagined that, could he, he knows Joe’s voice and is more certain he heard it than he is of his own pain – and he reaches out into the darkness, searching blindly for something, someone to anchor him.]
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Date: 2011-12-27 01:15 pm (UTC)Joe can feel his eyes watering. He looks at Sid when he jerks up, and something about the way his eyes don't quite focus, the way he reaches out and doesn't make contact with anything stirs a thought in his mind, but only briefly, and it falls away again when Joe reaches out and clasps Sid-sempai's hand.]
It's me, I'm here.
[Sid-sempai is obviously just confused; he doesn't know where he is, and their last encounter-
What he even remembers last, Joe has no idea. Barizorg claimed to remember nothing, after all.
...The last time they were together?
The time Sid-sempai sacrificed himself in order to keep Joe safe.
Perhaps it never needed to have come to this at all, perhaps they would've made it out together and there would have been no pain.
Perhaps Joe has been thinking about that for a long time, ever since he finally opened his eyes to the truth of what Sid-sempai did that day.
There's a moment in which all he wants to do is beat his fists against Sid-sempai's chest and yell at him for everything.
It passes, because Sid-sempai is here now, and suddenly none of the 'what-ifs' and 'could've beens' matter anymore.
It passes, and suddenly none of any of it matters anymore, even though Joe has been sitting here for so long, he has seen the wounds, he knows Sid-sempai is injured, and disoriented - he's knows all of it in theory.
It doesn't stop him throwing himself at Sid-sempai without a second thought, cheeks wet as he buries his face.
He doesn't entirely notice the way he hasn't yet let go of Sid-sempai's hand, now both caught between the two of them.]
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Date: 2012-01-11 04:11 pm (UTC)It is Joe's hand, he knows it - he'd know Joe's hands anywhere, even if there's something a little different about them. And then Joe speaks again and confirms it.
Joe is here.
Sid doesn't even know where "here" is, but it doesn't matter. The pain he still feels in his body doesn't matter.
He doesn't even care that he can't see.
All that matters to him, all that he knows in this moment, is that Joe is with him.
He feels Joe throw an arm around his neck, pressing himself as close to Sid as he can. His wounds protest the sudden contact of another body but his heart rejoices at it.
He feels their clasped hands getting caught between them, both of them still holding on like they'll never let go, never again.
He feels Joe bury his face in his shoulder, his body trembling as he starts to cry.
Sid reaches out to wrap his other arm around Joe, holding him tightly and reaching up to run his hand over Joe's hair, and the last of his doubts disappear.]
Joe! [A lump forms in his throat and he feels the tears start to run down his cheeks.] Joe, Joe, oh god, Joe...
[He breaks into sobs of relief and lowers his face to Joe's shoulder, still hanging on to him like he's all that's keeping Sid from falling off the edge of the world.]
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Date: 2012-01-11 09:58 pm (UTC)[It seems, after all, after everything Joe has been through, after the realisation that Sid-sempai had purposely sacrificed himself to give Joe the best chance at freedom, after knowing that there had been no other choice for him but to run, that it was what Sid-sempai wanted him to do...
It seems as though Joe can't forgive himself after all.]
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!
[The words are torn from his throat, part a choke, part a sob, and it's the touch of the hand in his hair that undoes him.
No, that's a lie. It's the realisation that Sid-sempai is crying, that the shoulder of Joe's shirt is wet, and Joe is almost positive he has never seen Sid-sempai actually cry. Not like this. Perhaps in the past he has laughed so hard it drew tears to the corner of his eyes, but this is something else entirely.
Joe pulls back just a little, turning his face as much as he can to look at Sid-sempai again. He knows his face is red, his eyes are puffy, his mouth is part-way open in a dull but very real sort of shock.
He looks at Sid-sempai all over again, as if for the first time in a very long time. And in a sense it is. Having him there but unconscious has not been the same.
Having him awake - and in tears - changes everything.
Joe wonders if he is up to the task. But there's only the briefest of moments to let that worry him before he steels himself. Because this is Sid-sempai, and if his sempai is in pain, shock, scarred, then Joe will be strong for him.
He has to gloss over his hysterical apologies. Maybe he can hope Sid-sempai never even noticed.
Joe gives the hand in his a quick squeeze, and uses the other free one to reach out to Sid-sempai's face. He hopes it won't startle Sid-sempai, to feel the light but curious touch of fingers on his cheek, especially since there are still actual wounds on Sid-sempai's face.
Oh this is going to be harder than Joe would ever have assumed. He makes sure his voice does not carry even the hint of a waver before he speaks.]
...Sempai?
no subject
Date: 2012-01-12 04:02 am (UTC)Sid feels Joe lean back from him a little, not letting go of his hand, and a moment passes before he feels Joe’s fingers brush across his cheek, and it stings a little where he’d been hit –
Sid reaches up to where Joe’s hand is, holding it to the side of his face, and his fingers touch not only Joe’s hand but his own skin, warm and alive, wet with tears, and very definitely not the metal that had been eating him. There are no tentacles under his skin, and though his body is in pain it’s not the agony it had been moments ago.
Except it couldn’t have been moments ago, could it, because he’s clearly somewhere else now, with Joe, and he doesn’t have a clue how he got here, or how Joe managed to rescue him.
He hears Joe speak his name, his voice soft but steady. Sid takes a moment to breathe, to slow his tears, every exhalation shaky, before he answers.]
Joe…
[His voice isn’t near as steady as Joe’s but he’s trying, he’s getting there, his body slowly starting to relax as the calm in Joe’s voice reassures him that he’s safe, they’re both safe. There are a thousand questions to ask, but he can only handle them one at a time, so he asks the first one that comes to his mind.]
Joe, where are we?
no subject
Date: 2012-01-12 08:55 am (UTC)That can wait for later, though. It's a lot for him to expect Sid-sempai to take in. And too overwhelming to think about. Which shows in Joe's words.]
It's...
You're... You're home.
[Because that is what the Galleon is to him. He realised it not too long ago, and maybe it had taken a bit of a harsh slap in the face from reality to let go of Sid-sempai after all, after so many years of longing and hoping against all hope. This still doesn't seem entirely real, though there's been plenty of time for it to prove itself just an illusion.
Joe is pretty sure that Sid will understand what he means. He has found a place he belongs; an actual place that is about the people he is with, but even more than that. Because he has always had a place with Sid-sempai: Sid-sempai has always been 'home' to him, too.
The Galleon is a little different to that, and Joe is pretty sure Sid-sempai won't take any offence at his admission. Joe's still right here with him, after all, his fingers actually wet from Sid-sempai's tears, and a crazy part of him wants to feel that between his fingers, or even taste it, just to reassure himself.
Besides, Joe thinks it's pretty obvious that he considers the Galleon a place Sid-sempai can and will be able to call home too. It's home for the both of them.
Something Joe never really stopped searching for.]
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Date: 2012-01-14 07:34 am (UTC)Sid has to take a moment to process what Joe is saying. His first thought is of their home planet, of the house where he’d grown up, but that doesn’t make sense. It’s far too quiet for them to be in the group home, and besides, there’s no way Joe could have gone back to their home planet after deserting.
So wherever he is, it must be the place that Joe escaped to. The place that he calls home now.
Sid isn’t sure he’s ever actually heard Joe use the word home before.
And then it hits him that Joe means this is Sid’s home, too; that he’s found a place that will be home to both of them. And really, how could it not be?
So long as Joe is there, Sid would be at home anywhere.
Sid holds Joe's hand a little tighter, and moves his other hand slowly away from where Joe's fingers are touching his face. He reaches out and finds Joe's forearm, then moves his hand to Joe's shoulder, his neck, before cupping the side of Joe's face in his hand. His thumb ends up right near the corner of Joe's eye, and he brushes away the trace of a tear that he feels there.
Sid leans forward slowly, carefully, judging the distance between them by where his hand is still touching Joe's cheek, and rests his forehead against Joe's. He doesn't spare a thought to whether this is appropriate sempai-kouhai contact. All he cares about is confirming Joe's presence in any way he can. And though he can't see him, there's no mistaking that it's Joe.
He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly.]
I'm home.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-15 10:15 am (UTC)[It's taken him some time to notice, and perhaps Joe should be concerned with himself about that, because day to day he enters into situations where noticing things too late will get you hurt, or even killed. And his life has had that undercurrent for many years now, there's no real excuse.
But this is hardly one of those situations. And he's been... distracted, to say the least.
When you're crying, and hugging, and the other person is such a small distance from you that it almost doesn't actually count anymore, it's difficult to really catch on.
But when Joe realises Sid-sempai is using his hands to 'see', and that his eyes don't seem to focus forward, it hits him properly.
Even if he had a problem with Sid-sempai touching him - Joe doesn't, and never has, and Sid-sempai might be the only person in his life that Joe can actually say that about - it would be completely moot right now compared to the knowledge that Sid can't see.
The forehead pressed to his just makes it harder for Joe to open his mouth and make words come out.]
...Sempai?
[A quick squeeze of Sid-sempai's hand is his way of communicating that he is having trouble saying this one. His eyes are shut now, but Joe can still see the empty eyes that look off to an eternity.
He's glad that they're in close proximity right now, because otherwise Joe might feel like Sid wasn't really there at all.
Oh.
He'll ask Hakase later. He's a doctor of computers and machines, not people, but Hakase is smart and he might be able to help.
He'll ask Navi; Navi knows all kinds of things from her travels, and she won't ask questions. Well, she will, but she won't cause trouble if she doesn't get any answers.
He'll ask...
Joe realises, with not a small amount of discomfort, that he is the one aboard with the nearest thing to formal training in medicine. He received Emergency Medical Assistance lessons care of the Zangyack, but in battle the only wounds requiring immediate attention are the near-fatal ones.
This is a little beyond his knowledge.]
You need to open your eyes so I can look, sempai.
[There. He doesn't need to say that he knows what is wrong, but he does know it.]
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Date: 2012-01-16 02:36 am (UTC)But he still feels a little guilty when Joe squeezes his hand, as if to say this is so hard to say that I wish I didn’t have to, before asking Sid to open his eyes.
Sid leans back and rests his hand on Joe’s shoulder, and complies. Even after he opens his eyes, the world looks no different from when they’d been closed.
He realizes that he hadn’t given any thought to why he couldn’t see, what might have happened to rob him of his sight. Maybe because, again, it hadn’t felt that important, not right then. But Joe clearly thinks it’s important enough that it needs to be addressed right now.]
Joe...
[And as it turns out this is hard for Sid to say, too, so he holds on to Joe to brace himself.]
Can you tell what’s wrong?
[He holds back the urge to ask Joe, why can’t I see, what happened? because as much as he wants to know, Joe’s answer to where they were had told him that the truth is complicated, and is going to take a while to explain, and maybe Sid actually can’t handle it yet. He’s okay with not knowing, for right now.]
no subject
Date: 2012-01-16 06:57 am (UTC)[He's going to be calm about this.
He's going to hold his poker face in place, even if Sid-sempai can't actually see it, just because it helps him keep his composure, most of the time.
He can be strong, he be a source of support.
...Maybe he won't have to do this for too long.
There's so much that needs to be said, and perhaps Joe is avoiding thinking about it because he's scared. Not that he doesn't trust in Sid-sempai - he wouldn't dream of hiding his relationship with the crew. It's more that if he can't recall the time as Barizorg maybe Joe would be happy to seriously suppress those memories and focus on now instead.
Joe places both of his hands on Sid-sempai's face and looks into his eyes. Seeing something so familiar and yet so devoid of Sid's usual energy is weird, but he can handle it. He will handle it.]
I don't really know... What I'm looking for.
[That's definitely not the smartest thing to admit, but Joe can't lie to Sid-sempai.]
Does it hurt? Because. Because when you woke...
[Because when you woke you were screaming, and those were screams of pain.
(Joe recognises the difference.)
"What do you remember?" - It's a simple question, but he can't ask it. As if it isn't obvious that the last thing Sid-sempai remembers is painful.
Joe isn't going to start thinking back over things. Because the last thing he remembers is... Defeating Barizorg...]